It's all maintenance

In life and my "adult" years, I've learned at least one very important thing - it's all maintenance.

For example, this past week I got sick and was battling it almost every day. I even had to resort to actually taking some medicines, which for me is quite unusual! Whether it was the normal trouble I have with my allergies this time of year, or the effects from a common cold, or a nasty virus I caught, or a combination of all of these, my body was screaming at me to slow down, take some time to relax, monitor what I was eating, get some additional sleep, and think about where I was going (and whether I even needed to be there, etc.). You see, in my foolish haste to take care of so many really important things (?), I had been moving along much too fast in life and hadn't really been taking very good care of my body. You can sometimes get away with that for awhile, but sooner or later without some day-to-day, routine "maintenance" for our bodies, our health will go bad (and get a lot worse) until we stop and take care of the mess we've made and/or get rid of the germs we've collected. It's all maintenance.

Yesterday was another example of how it's all maintenance.

There was the morning shower and overall scrub up to get clean (and hopefully stay a bit healthier). There was the bill paying and managing of our household finances. There was the interactions and conversations I had with my sweet wife to make sure that we were staying connected and on the same page with all the things happening in our lives/family. There was the long overdue oil change for my car and the cleaning it so badly needed for the outside. There was the taking of our personal computer from home in to the store for repairs because it had gotten a bad virus and was completely screwed up. There was the nice lunch I had with my oldest son who I hadn't really had a long, one-on-one, thoughtful conversation with for weeks. There was the haircut I got because the hairs on my head (albeit fewer today than in the past) needed trimming. There was the "catch-up" time with my 14 year old son (while his mother is out-of-town for several days) going to see a movie together and then spending an evening at home enjoying each other's company. There was the cleaning, straighening up and putting dishes away that needed to be done before turning in for the night last night. It's all maintenance.

Tomorrow (Monday) it will be more maintenance. Talking with my boss and staying connected with what he needs/wants me to be doing. Turning in expense reports from last week's travels so that I don't get behind on reimbursements. Meeting with employees that work for me at lunch who have had to get by without much direction from me for the last week or so while I've been trying to recover from my ailments and/or preoccupied with other activities/projects. Catching up on all the other things that have piled up in my e-mail while busy with a project and/or traveling last week. It's all maintenance.

Yes, in life it's all maintenance. But, the most significant "item" to maintain by far is my relationship with the Lord Jesus Christ. Just like everything else in life, if I don't actively maintain this relationship, it can get stale or sick or suffer greatly. And frankly, if you get out-of-whack in this relationship, nothing else really works very well either. You cannot ignore any relationship and expect it to flourish, especially not the one with Jesus. Relationships take time. They take listening. They take studying and learning. They take conversations. They take looking back and looking forward.

Just as I unfortunately allowed myself to get too busy and move in way too many seemingly important directions (and/or be involved in way too many seemingly important activities), I eventually had to pay for it by getting sick. Then it became a huge deal to "correct" that situation so that I could just get back to where I needed to be. If we don't maintain, we pay. And sometimes that payment is way more trouble/work/effort than if we had just taken care of things properly all the way along.

You can kid yourself into believing something else if you want, but I've learned that in this life it's all maintenance.

Attention Deficit

For the past thirty plus years or so there's been a lot of talk in the news and media about Attention-Deficit Disorder (ADD). More recently it has even been upgraded to a new term - ADHD (Attention-Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder). It is basically a common neurologic disorder that develops in younger children (most often boys) causing them to be easily distracted in school and sometimes unable to pay attention to teachers/adults in certain more structured environments, etc. This is not really something to joke/laugh about or even disregard. It is real. But, I also think it has become kind of the universal diagnosis for a lot of young boys who are just being young boys! But that is not what I am trying to write about here. Attention Deficit is something altogether different.

I remember the times when our children were a lot younger than they are today. Frequently they so much wanted to be with me, and to have me do something with them. Anything! They would persist and persist with the following: "Daddy, Daddy, Daddy! Watch me! Do this with me! Help me!" etc. Almost to point of annoyance! (As I think about it now, it would almost be kind of welcome today! Ha.) Anyway, it seemed to occur most frequently on the weekends when I was at home, and usually when I was trying to get a lot of other really important (?) things done. If I chose to ignore them (sorry kids, I did that a few times more than I care to admit), they persisted and maybe even got a little louder in their pleas! Did I say it was annoying? I can't believe that I felt that way now, but I know that I did.

As I got older (and wiser) as a Dad, when our children started off on their quest to grab some of my undivided attention, I started giving it to them sooner rather than later. And you know what? The strangest thing happened. If I gave them five minutes of my time (maybe ten), they were good for awhile and I could go back to what I was doing. Their desire to have my full attention was somewhat allayed just by giving them some attention for a little while. Amazing!

It is not just small children that have Attention Deficit these days. A lot of us do! We so much need/want someone's full attention and we won't give up until we get it (or until they get so annoyed that they walk away from us!). What's worse, if we don't get attention from the first person we "need" it from, we usually transfer that Attention Deficit to the next person (and the next and the next) until we finally get our Attention Deficit taken care of somehow.

Have you ever been around someone with Attention Deficit? Isn't it amazing if you just give them a little bit of personal attention how they soon are satisfied and just leave you alone? But, if you don't ever give them some truly undivided attention, they will mercilessly persist and persist and persist (to the point of being really annoying) until you turn and give them your undivided attention. Just like what used to happen with my kids.

What about you? Do YOU have Attention Deficit? Well if you do, here's something else I've learned through the years. If you take that Attention Deficit and just start investing yourself in other people, it is AMAZING how quickly your own Attention Deficit disipates. Not always, but usually. If I think about the needs of others first, giving them my full attention for awhile, and stop focusing mainly on my needs only, I usually end up in a good place and am not nearly as needy as I once was.

Attention Deficit - it's real. Take care of it. Think about others first.

The End of an Era (almost?)...

For the past 16+ years at the Ellwood household, our tradition/pattern from early September through to mid-May (basically the old-fashioned school year) is to have a "Wisdom Search" in the morning to start our homeschool. And, I have been the "leader" of this activity. This is my primary contribution to our homeschool. There have been times in my life when I have felt like leading "Wisdom Search" was my sole purpose in life. What could be better than a Dad sitting around the breakfast table with his wife and children at 7:15 a.m. studying the Bible together? It has been a remarkable run! I am so grateful to God for all the sweet memories and for all He has taught me through these "Wisdom Search" episodes.

But, like all good things, sometimes they have to come to an end. We're not there yet, but we might be getting close. You see, we only have one "student" in our household these days (Nathan) and the demands of my job (and business travel associated with it) have been pretty enormous. Our last official "Wisdom Search" was the morning of November 18, 2008. Today is February 8, 2009.

While I am really O.K. with letting this tradition/pattern go (it has served us well through the years), for Nathan's (and Ellen's?) sake I need to replace it with something else. You see, as the spiritual leader of this family, it is my responsibility to God to teach/guide/instruct/admonish/love those in my charge for their benefit (Ephesians 5:25-27).

It used to be quite easy to do these "Wisdom Search" times when my job wasn't quite as demanding as it is now. I would just carve out the 45 minutes of time routinely on weekday mornings before I'd go to work. Now, going to work a lot of times really means "going to the airport" and I am frequently away from Ellen and Nathan two or three nights a week. Not very conducive to consistency in doing "Wisdom Search" preparations and/or teachings.

So, I am soliciting ideas from all of you who read this for how "Wisdom Search" can be replaced in the Ellwood household for Nathan's (and Ellen's) benefit. Perhaps I could just move up to the 21st Century and do my teaching/training on this blog?

Separation Anxiety

This post will have two parts. The first part will be primarily for those of you who are parents of a child who is at least +/- 10 years old. The second part will be for those of you who are yet to be parents and/or have children who are still very young...

Those of you who are already parents remember the time when you first started leaving your children with someone else. Maybe it was at church. Maybe it was with your parents. Maybe it was with a babysitter. You did all you could do to prepare your child for "the drop-off." You made sure they were happy, fed and had a clean diaper. You tried to occupy them with one of their favorite toys or some other distraction. And then you began to walk away. Everything was going fine until your child discovered that you were leaving. Most children at an early age experience some sort of "separation anxiety" at that point. They'll cry. They'll throw a fit. They'll misbehave. They'll do anything to try and get your attention so that you'll stay with them. It is really a terrible moment as a parent. You say to yourself, "I need to have some time away from this child. I must leave them for a little while." But then, you have to make a decision. You have to decide who is in charge. Who is going to determine what happens next - You or the child. As many of you know, even though the child is crying and fussing, they usually get over it. It may take awhile and the poor nursery worker at the church or your parents or the babysitter has to listen to loud wailing for awhile until the child realizes you're not coming back right away. It's tough, but you have to do it. You can't always stay with the child. You have to begin the process of breaking away from them, even if for only a little while. Those of you who are parents of older children remember and you know just what I am talking about. Right?

Several years later, your child grows up. Now they are the ones who start leaving YOU. And even though there is a part of you that maybe is all too ready to let them go, deep down inside of you there is a compulsion to fight their leaving with every fiber of your being! You can't wail and fuss like a baby, but you sure do want to! "What do you mean you are leaving? I've cared for you, bought things for you, played with you, built my whole life around you and your activities for the past 18+ years! You can't leave! What am I going to do now?" But, they go. And then YOU are the one with separation anxiety. And it really, really stinks! You know that you have to just let them walk away. You know that they will come back again. You know that they'll be alright. But, for the next several hours, days, months, whatever (?) they will be gone from you. And you have to do all you can to fill the void in your life with stuff that suddenly doesn't involve knowing everything there is to know about the activities of your child. "What if they don't do something right? What if they make a mistake? Why are they leaving me? Don't they realize what this is doing to me?" Agony. It just really stinks!

Nobody told us it would be this way. You get in a groove with parenting and you kind of like that groove. You get the hang of how to care for and raise your children and really like being able to guide all of their activities. You build your life around them and all that they do (their activities and their accomplishments, etc.), and then one day, they're gone. And it's different. And you have to get used to it being different. And you may not want to. You have a bad case of separation anxiety!

But, you have to move on. You need to separate from them (at least somewhat), and they need to separate from you, too. It's really the only healthy thing to do. You gotta do it...

That's all for the first part. If you have been there or are currently going through it, you know exactly what I mean.

Now for the second part. For those of you who are yet to be parents and/or still have really young children at home, this is your WARNING. Your children will someday grow up and move out of your house. That's what they are supposed to do. That is what you raise them to be able to do. But, it is really, really hard to live through and adjust to. It is a BIG life change! My advice to you? Deal with it. Make the changes you need to make and then build new lives around something other than the daily activities of your kids. They'll be fine. You'll be fine. It's all part of life. Oh you'll still participate in their lives (and you should!). But it will be different. And that takes a lot of getting used to...

Honestly, I still long for the days when Andy, Katie, and Peter still lived here in our home. I haven't made the adjustment yet. I want to, but it is taking a lot longer than I ever thought it would.

Praise God that we still have a few more years of Nathan living in our house!